Battling fertility; the pain of baby steps

My mother used to always state that there are three reasons you should do your absolute best in regards to treating people well. She would say you never know when you’re entertaining angels, you never know when you will be in someone else’s shoes, and that you never know what someone is going through. Your kindness could change the entire course of their day or their life for that matter.

As a child I was so desperate to be a mom that I felt the only way I could practice was with “real” baby items. My mom would buy me real baby clothes, baby bottles, pacifiers and so much more. (All from the dollar store of course). Whenever people would ask me what I aspired to be when I grew up I would state a mom before mentioning any currency paying career. All I knew was that if I could be half as great as my mom the world would be a better place.When I became an adult many of my friends became parents. Even though I was doing everything in my power to establish a profitable career, I couldn’t stop thinking about what it would be like to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet in my home. I was doing well for myself at the time. Yet, was getting anxious about starting a family of my own. And then love happened…

Or at least what I perceived to be love. In a matter of time we were living together, he proposed in front of my family, and we both wanted the baby to complete our union. So we started to try. Weeks, then months, then a year passed. No baby. After arranging appointments with my gynecologist and undergoing a procedure to see if my tubes were open I was referred to an infertility clinic where they told me that they “just don’t know what to say”. They didn’t know why I couldn’t have children.They just knew that it wasn’t happening.One day, while at work someone randomly walked up to me and told me that God asked them to speak to me. He stated that God knows I’m hurting and how badly I wanted to have kids. He stated that God promised me three kids. I cried my eyes out. I was hurt and hopeful at the same time. If God loves me so much to make me a Mommy, then why must I struggle so much prior to?

I struggled internally for years. Being happy for people who informed me that they were pregnant while envious at the same time. I cried myself to sleep at night. I dated men with children while feeling like an outcast. I wanted a baby. And because of the struggle I was depressed. I contemplated running away from life overall.Late menstrual cycles would lead to taking pregnancy tests that would lead to an ocean of tears after a negative result. I was dying inside for a very long time. As time passed  I found a way to “deal”. I became the world’s best aunt/godmother/cousin I could be. I took baby steps. And they hurt like hell. I learned to be faithful, hopeful, and open to other ideas of  parentage. My best friend and I even discussed the possibility of her being a surrogate for me.Did I still cry at night? Of course. My aunt stated once that she would feel sad whenever she and I walked passed mothers pushing strollers in the mall. She felt my pain. But I still took baby steps. Adoption was on the table and I finally reached a point where I was fine with that. Really, I was excited about adoption.

And one day, (many years and a new relationship later) I found myself vomiting in my work bathroom. I had a panic attack at the thought of taking a test simply to get a negative result. Yet, four tests later, the result was Positive (four times over!) Here I am now. Happy. Beyond measure. With my miracle baby. Co-parenting wasn’t my original plan (and it isn’t always easy) but I swear on my life it’s worth it. He’s worth every minute of it. But I haven’t forgot the pain before my son.  Because like my mom always says, you don’t know what someone is going through. So every night, before I sleep, I pray for all the mothers who are experiencing the pain I did. Because no one knows what the baby steps to being okay with the thought of possibly NOT ever becoming a mom feels like. May God bless you all on your journey of peace, love, and parenthood.


Until next time…




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