I’m sure that we have all been a part of that fateful “baby” conversation that people insist on having with you when you are over the age of 25 and childless. The “so when are you having a baby” discussion. They don’t care if you are married or single, living in poverty, in school, living with your parents, working 60 darn hours a week, dealing with mental illness, or unemployed….You should have a baby. It’s time. You’re getting older. Your eggs are turning to powder. Whatever, whatever. STOP! STOP FREAKING ASKING PEOPLE WHEN THEY ARE HAVING KIDS!
Let’s run down a quick list of reasons you should stop it.
- You don’t know her story.
- You don’t know his story.
- You don’t know their story.
Have you ever considered she/he could be dealing with fertility issues? Have you considered that she/he could be desperately longing for a child but feel as though they would be unable to afford one? Have you considered she/he could have just lost a child and are afraid to have another? Have you considered they could be single and want to wait until marriage yet every relationship they have had / has failed? Have you considered they could be afraid to have children because she/he watched a mother struggle with dead end jobs and wish to establish a solid career first. OR have you considered the fact that they don’t want any?
Maybe you are not the person they wish to have this personal conversation with and you force her (or even him) to lie about having children. I remember when people questioned me ALL the time about when I would become a mother not knowing that was told by doctors that I was unable to have any. They couldn’t explain why. However, trying to have children for over a year unsuccessfully forces medical professionals to stamp a large INFERTILE on your forehead. So being asked when I could have children was a little heart breaking. It was a reminder that I could possibly NEVER experience motherhood. No one knew my story. Well, besides my best friend (who promised to carry for me after she had a second child) and my mother (who always told me she believed I would have one when it was time).
I birthed my son at 28. After failed relationships, a divorce, and reconnecting with my high school sweet heart. I never expected children. I assumed I would be an amazing aunt for the rest of my life. I assumed I would be the girl who always got the “when are you having kids” question. I assumed that “maybe” I would marry (again) rich and he could afford the fertility treatments that cost well over $30,000. I wasn’t sure. But being forced to discuss it at a family function because everyone is looking at my cousins the same age with 3-5 children was unfair. Completely and totally.
So, the next time you part your lips to ask a woman (or man) why they aren’t a parent yet do me, them, and yourself a favor…DON’T.
Until Next time…
photo from black parent confessional