It’s funny how very small statements/questions can strike a cord when things have damaged or harmed us. Even when we think we are fine something happens to let us know that we have not yet healed. Today it was raining. I was running late but I was okay. I talked to my normal three people that I always talk to every single morning. I took some time to vent about the fact that I had on a thin coat without a scarf. I have several scarves at home but I was absolutely positive I left my favorite warm scarf in the car. It wasn’t. Yet I was running so far behind at this point that I could not afford to go back into the house and grab it. Oh well. My vent was just that. A vent. I wasn’t super upset, just a little disappointed in myself I suppose.
But then, someone asked me a simple question. “Why do you have on a thin coat anyway and you know it’s rainy and freezing outside?” That struck a cord.
I don’t have a fall coat. I mean, I have a few light jackets but not a fall coat. I have a heavy winter coat…but it’s not cold enough to put that on yet. I placed a coat on layaway for the fall but every time I thought I was going to go pay for it, I had to pay for something for my child. He needs underwear, socks, pajamas, food, clothes, food, medicine….hell he needed a coat. He has two coats now. He is more important than I am at this point in time. I can make due…but he depends on me to make things happen because no one else does (besides my parents). I thought I could buy myself a coat and then I realized my car needed gas and my house needed Lysol, bleach, Tide, Windex, paper towels, and everything in between. That was that. An easy $75 spent. I don’t own a fall coat.
I’m human. To be honest I believe my transparency sets me apart from so many people. However, what’s most important is that it allows me to see myself. My hurt parts. My bruises. My sores. I can’t lie. I get upset from time to time when I see the people who should reach out and offer a helping hand stand by and watch as “do what I have to do” without even thinking to say “here you go, I know you need it”. But then again no one owes me anything. No one. So how mad can you get?
That one question showed my hurt part. I’m hurt because everyone who promised to have my back left me stranded. If I had a little help I would be able to do small things for myself. But it’s funny because I forgot that I was hurt.
At the end of the day, the show will go on. I will eventually get me a coat and operate per usual.Making things happen because what other choice do I have. My son can’t eat off of procrastination or excuses. Just know that he will always be fed.
Until next time…