You have to choose one. She can’t be your girlfriend, your wife, and your mother. You have to pick. You want her to be Wonder Woman and June Cleaver simultaneously? Nah, pick one. She has to mother the actual children in the home, function with a false smile plastered on her face at work, and be a little bit of everything to you at the same damn time. Nope. We’re tired of that.
How are mothers expected to pour continuously from empty cups? Cups, mind you, that are empty because you didn’t take the time to help her refill even though you definitely helped her pour out what used to be half full. I’ve been there before. And it wasn’t until recently that I realized the magnitude of the trauma caused by trying to be everything to everyone. Especially, in relationships. I am guilty, too many times to count, of being the woman who attracted broken men. Maybe it’s the nurturing side of me that pulled them close. The law of attraction is really something else. Or maybe it’s something more serious. But that’s dead. You can’t have Mommy issues and crawl to me looking for a boob to nurse on. I didn’t birth you so I don’t have to feed you that way. Let me nourish your mind, body, and soul like a spouse should. If you make me “mother” you, you are not allowed to complain about me not relinquishing the leadership reigns or choosing to make frozen pizza for dinner or being too exhausted to fold the damn laundry. You can do it son. You have to respect my struggle, my issues, my hurt, and my trauma just like you want me to acknowledge yours. You are not the only hurt party 90% of the time.
Women cannot be your mother and girlfriend at the same time, just like they can’t be your girlfriend and deliver wife duties. You have to let her be one amazing thing to and for you. As your wife I can offer comfort, a listening ear, guidance, support, and everything in between but I cannot be your mother. I need to mother our children. That’s reserved for them alone. As your girlfriend, we will not be your wife. Wifely duties are reserved for HUSBANDS only. You want those privileges? Upgrade the package. I’m sure there is a jewelry store close to your home. New ring, who dis?
I watched a video on Facebook this morning in which two young and intelligent minds debated on the family dynamic as it related to the black family, the culture of parenting, and knowing your worth. Two very intelligent people (one male and one female) who made amazing points on each end. The male had all the answers…after his 8-10 year prison stint. Here he was coming home telling black women how to know their worth when he himself got lost in world. When he himself had to acknowledge that he had to get “his stuff together”. She made a valid point that struck me like a halo tip bullet. She said, “You know why you’re not the leader of your household? Because you don’t even want it. You want us to take charge.” Wow. We cannot be your mother, the caretaker, a mother to the children, help you address your demons every single day, work full-time, and still get punished with the “you don’t know how to let me lead line.” Bruhhhhhhhhhhhhh please come lead cause she is TIRED! Cut her some slack.
When Wonder woman takes off her suit her back is scarred and bruised. You helped put those there you know? She can be there for you as a partner but make sure you take the time to be there for her. Make sure you take the time to understand her. Assist her. Be her peace too. Because once you get that down packed you will realize that she is way more valuable to you as your partner. Therapy and Prayer can help you with the mommy issues.
Until Next time…